Cold sweat breaks out

LADIES! Do you like LAGER? Do you like LOOKING GOOD? Do you like FEELING UNCOMFORTABLY CHILLY?

…no, that’s not going to work.

LADIES! Do you like LAGER? Do you like GLAMOUR? Do you like MEN STARING AT YOUR CHEST?

…OK, maybe that’s a bit too direct.

LADIES! Do you like LAGER? Do you like BEING BEAUTIFUL? Do you like to SHOW OFF YOUR ASSETS?

…that’s it! We have a winner!

I think that’s pretty much how the conversation went.

I’m talking about a poster campaign that Holt’s are running at the moment, following the relaunch of their own-brand lagers Crystal and Diamond. (I have to admit, this is all news to me – but apparently Joey’s do in fact have two house keg lagers, and apparently they are called Crystal and Diamond, and apparently they have just been relaunched. And if you know any more about it than that, you know more than I do.)

The relaunch involves jumping on the “extra cold” bandwagon – both Crystal and Diamond are now available “Extra Cold”. The relaunch – accompanied by a price rise, according to the ad agency – is backed by a series of posters with the slogan “Some things are better extra cold”. I’ve only been able to find one online, on the ad agency’s site: it’s here (warning: not safe for work).

Yes, their jokey example of something that’s “better extra cold” is… a pair of nipples.

Now, I can’t honestly say that my immediate reaction to this poster (and the other one on the same theme I saw in the same pub) was entirely negative; I’m a heterosexual male and there weren’t many people in the pub (or any women), so I didn’t leave until I’d had a good look at both of them. (The posters. Fnarr, fnarr. Settle down.) But… well, really. Looked at from the point of view of a woman – or of a man who likes to share pubs with women – this can’t be a good way for a brewery to decorate its pubs. Come to that, it’s not something I would have expected to see in 1992, let alone 2012. I wouldn’t necessarily expect Holt’s to do anything as modern and go-ahead as trying to attract women drinkers, but it would be nice if they didn’t try to repel them.

I was going to add that the list of things that are “better extra cold” doesn’t include beer anyway, but I have to admit that I’ve never drunk Holt’s Crystal (or Diamond); maybe tongue-numbing refrigeration really is the best way to approach them.

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